Published July 23, 2009
Cry of the One Eyed Boy
He looked at the sky with his only eye
With palms folded he began to cry
I’m just a little kid, who’s barely eight
What have I done to deserve such fate?
The rich kids I hear, eat of a silver plate
They get away with crime, be it even rape
The sinners have prospered, prospered and thrived
The good have been looted killed and deprived
Deprived of justice-a slave to cash
“Praise the Lord” seems like words of trash
With my head bowed I prayed everyday
For you to take my poverty away
I waited Lord, patient and sure
You’ll destroy the gap between rich and poor
A champion of justice I thought you to be
But justice purchased is all that I see
With rage in his heart, and a face now dry
He asked the Lord to give a reply
Not a word came of the silent sky
No answer to his question, no answer to his cry
Enlightenment at this time, he did receive
-All of man’s dreams he alone can achieve
And so the kid looked at the sky
Waving his hands to say good bye
“Fuck you” said he and went his own way
From that day on, he did not pray.
[………All man ever achieved was based
on his own efforts.
Expect no assistance from heaven.
BE the change you want to see]
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
I.
A very good poem indeed.
No need to sound like a broken record; angels-symphony's hit all the spots. Except the part about the boy not sounding eight; in my opinion, we really don't get to know him depth... by the end of the poem, it's as if someone is narrating for him, so this could be some different eight year old!
My favorite line has to be this:
Great rhythm, no forced rhyming, and a passionate statement.
II.
Some mistakes I noticed were:
No biggie, but do you mean eat off a silver plate?
This stanza totally screws up your rhyme scheme.
III.
Hmm... One Eyed Boy? I admit, that title is what drew me to this piece, and after thinking about it, I think I know what it means... Perhaps the one eye is supposed to signify the hardships this boy's faced? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that sounds about right.
As far as the subject, I'm not getting into that... I just know me, and few others, have the felt the same way.
Good job on that.
Ha. I don't think religious people are going to be too enthusiastic with your theme. But anyways, poetry-wise, I thought it was pretty interesting. I agree with angels-symphony on all the small mistakes. But overall, the rhyming scheme was pretty neat, but it sounds forced. Maybe you should try to switch up the words a bit so it doesn't sound like that.
I think aside from going from first person (I) to 3rd person (he) it was very interesting, it told a story from someone's point of view. I felt like it might of been missing something though, I'm sure someone else here will analyze the crap out of it for you so have no fear. One thing I try to do is read it aloud to myself, or to a friend, that helps me to catch some of the mistakes. Good luck.
Hey young gun ^^ Shina here for a review
The title and this "one eye" thing is really, different. I'd definitely say that scores some points with your hook and keep it from being cliche, in a way.
I'd just change the second line's "with" so it's not repetitive.
"He looked at the sky with his only eye,
his palms were folded as he began to cry."
Rhyme scheme is eating this part. Would a little kid really say "I'm barely eight"? The dialogue here is a bit odd, so change it up.
Remember that there's nothing wrong with free verse poetry. Choose meaning over rhyme, and you'll improve over time
*off
Last part needs to be rearranged, so maybe:
"even if it be rape"
Also, why does an 8 yearo-old know about rape? I think you just put the whole "8" thing because it rhymed.
I kind of liked this rhyme you had here ^^
However, you need some commas:
"The good have been looted, killed, and deprived"
And em dash is "--"
Very interesting idea you have here, but what happened to the rhyme scheme? If you're going to let your rhyme scheme eat up the poem, you should've at least continued throughout the whole poem. But then again, poetry is a really flexible thing. Remember to choose meaning over rhyme.
This rhyme is similar to the one in the beginning.
Same rhyme *shakes head* I think you could just scrap this stanza because it's lingering on this thought too long.
What? What's going on? I think you just wanted to rhyme here, gun. What's the point and meaning if this stanza?
I'm pretty sure he didn't
Also, did you rate this? You need to make sure it's under "R" even if there is an 8 year-old.
-Shina